Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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