I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I wear drunk well.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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