using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
