last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
My underwear smells like fireworks.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
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gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
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Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
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