DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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