I wish I could punch you in the face.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
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