At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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