Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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