Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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