Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Randomize
