The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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