oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
