I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Randomize
