Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Randomize
