i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
