I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
