remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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