my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
