The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
This house was built for laser tag.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
