her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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