Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
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