well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Randomize
