I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
that may or may not have been my penis.
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