White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
