You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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