dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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