That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
