Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
