She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Randomize
