I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
