I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
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