Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
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