Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
