he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
