NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Randomize
