Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
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