whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
