He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
