I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
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