Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
