I wish my penis had an off switch
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
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Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
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Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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