I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
