I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
