at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
The uberlube is also flammable
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
