I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
