I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
They are going to name an STD after you.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
