I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
