i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
well you can't waste a boner
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
