Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Randomize
