i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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