i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
