I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
