hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Randomize
