my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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