I think I died a long time ago.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Randomize
