I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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