his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
