You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
