apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
