So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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