Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Randomize
