This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
