I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Randomize
