the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
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